You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
