Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
