Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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