I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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