I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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