Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
