you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
