I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
