meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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