Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
