Your mouth is God's brothel.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
