I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
