I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
