i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
