Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
