I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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