So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
