Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
