I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
