Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
