no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
