when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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