Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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