At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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