um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
