At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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