I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
