Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
