You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're a waste of cheezeits
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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