we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
