I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
