Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
