My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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