I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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