you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
