Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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