Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
