I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
