My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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