I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
