I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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