I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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