I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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