So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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