You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
