In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
