3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
