I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
