you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
