I checked into jail on foursquare
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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