No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
