you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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