Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
