We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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