I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
