Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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