it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize